Foods That Don't Hurt Part 2

There was once a little girl who desperately wanted to be a vegetarian, but loved bacon too much.  You may take a moment to read about it here.

Welcome back.  We are the place that has yet to invent a drama turbine as a means to supply all of the Atlanta area with this huge supply of alternative (and effing annoying) energy.  When we figure it out, don't worry.  We've got you covered.

My daughter, bless her heart, is a mess of emotions that come from the wildest most obscure places.  (She may or may not have inherited this trait from her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother.  Ahem.  Or so I've heard.)  Enjoy:


I have no idea the details, but this morning, Fiona ran inside from playing in the backyard yelling, "I ate an ant!  I ate an ant!"

But instead of looking concerned or scared, she was happy and proud!  She held out her finger of saliva-coated ant remains, smiling from ear to ear.

Me: "Why so happy?  Are you ok?", as I go poking around the inside of her mouth for any more ants.

Fiona:  "Beeeeecaaaaaause... I'm like the gross guy on tv!"  (Andrew Zimmern)

Me:  "So you are!"

A half hour later, the family convenes at the table for breakfast.

Fiona:  "Raise your hand if you'll eat a slug!"  (crickets chirping as Fiona waves her hand high in the air), "I would totally eat a slug."

Me:  "Awesome.  Sounds like some Saturday night fun right there, Zimmern."

Fiona:  "But I won't... WON'T... eat lamb.  Only bad guys eat lamb."

Me:  "Fi, I love lamb.  It's the meat of the good guy too."

Fiona:  "No it's not."

(gets quiet fast as the energy in the room changes and her head falls onto her fist.)

Me:  "You ok?"

Fiona:  (looks up, eyes are glassy, voice is soft)  "yeah."

Neve:  (volume control problems) "BUT THEIR MAMAS AND DADDIES WILL CRY WHEN THEY SEE THEM..." (she mimes decapitation, which was disturbing on another level.  But thats a different story all together.)

Me:  "Well, some animals are raised just for their meat, without families, and they know nothing else.  It's not like they were getting stories read to them at night or anything." (I high-five myself.)

Fiona:  (real tears at this point), "Mom, if I ever see you going up to a baby lamb or any baby animal to kill it, I will tell you to stop and make you give me the knife."

Me:  "Fiona, I don't kill the animals.  I just eat them." (Jeez.)

Fiona:  "Will you tell me when you make baby animal food please so that I won't eat it."

Me:  "Sure."

Neve:  (still talking too loudly), "DO LIONS EAT ONLY MAMA AND DADDY PEOPLE OR DO THEY EAT BABY PEOPLE TOO?"

Fiona:  (and the Emmy for best Daytime supporting actress goes to...) "Neve, please.  Just stop.  It makes me so. so. sad."

Me:  "Fiona, you don'thave to eat meat anymore.  I'm cool with you becoming a vegetarian if it upsets you too much."  (Did I seriously just say that?  Retract that high-five, D.)

Fiona:  "No.  I'll just make a sign that asks bad people to stop killing baby animals and you can put it on my blog.  Do you think everyone reads my blog?"  (No, but if we can get your good-for-nuthin' meat-eatin' 12 followers to stop killing babies, it'll be a start.)

Me:  "Yes.  So, are you going to stop eating meat?"

Fiona:  (scoffs), "No! The mamas and daddies are still yummy."

Sorry for the poor quality, but our scanner is not working.  In case you can't read it, it says:

FiONA/MaCK(she meant McKay)/White
For Ever.  (No joke.)

PLEAS STOP KILLING (interesting how she knows the correct spelling for that word no problem) BABY LAMS AND SHEEP.

(smiling child holding a bloody knife, and a splayed lamb- BAD. walking lamb in a heart- OKAY.)