"Foods That Don't Hurt"

I'm making dinner, and the children are getting restless. I turn the tv on for them as PBS changes over from the hour of children's programming to adult programming. As I browse through all 7 of our channels, I come back around to PBS which appears to be airing a travel show in Egypt. Fiona shouts, "Llama! Yeah!", so I stop there.

As I'm pulling our dinner out of the oven, I hear the distinct sound of a bleeting sheep or goat coming from the neon tube. Almost immediately after hearing this Fiona yells, "MOM! COME QUICK! THIS IS CRAZY!" Footage of lambs being slaughtered greet me as I enter the room, and Fiona and Neve stand there fixed at the visual gore and audible "Baaaahhhhhhhh! Baaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

I turn it off, obviously, and I casually walk back into the kitchen, hoping to minimize the whole thing. The girls just stood there, blinking and thinking. I knew that the next half hour would be dedicated to colossal questions about life and death, despite the fact that all I wanted to do was eat. Quietly.

Fiona: "Mom?"

Me: (oh brother) "Yes?"

Fiona: "What were those brown men in dresses doing on tv?"

Me: (why they gotta be brown?) "Killing a lamb."

Fiona: "I knew that already. And they killed a llama too. And then they ate them."

Me: (if you knew that, why did you ask? and I think you mean camels.) "Yup."

Fiona: "Isn't that sad?"

Me: "Not really. It's nature."

Fiona: "Why?"

Me: (why is it nature?) "Because God designed people to eat meat, and meat comes from animals."

Fiona: (huff, puff) "Lambs!? Lambs are cute- they are not meat!"

Me: "In Egypt lambs are meat. Here, people eat cows, chickens, pigs... those kinds of animals... but people eat different animals all over the world."

Fiona: "Well, it. is. bad."

Me: (I wasn't prepared for this until the first Thanksgiving that she returned home from liberal arts college) "What else should we do then?"

Fiona: "UM, EAT VEGETABLES, BREAD, EGGS, FRUIT- STUFF THAT DOESN'T GET HURT [when you cut it]?"


Me: (cannot hold back the laughter, which makes her even more upset) "Don't get upset. It's just life."

Fiona: "No. It's sad! And I need you to tell God something for me."

Me: (oh brother) "What's that?"

Fiona: "Tell him that I didn't know I ate cows and pigs and chickens. And tell him that it's too sad. Ask him if we can change it."

Me: (but I like lamb) "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

Fiona: "Because I might get more sad. I just love animals so so much. Even the ugly ones."

Me: (llamas are pretty ugly) "Which animals are those?"

Fiona: "I can't remember their names. But I still don't want to eat them."

Not long after my 5 year old gave up meat, she ate all of her dinner and even stole a piece of her sister's bacon when she wasn't looking. Guard your plates. I have a hunch vegetarians everywhere steal our bacon when we're not looking.